As I looked out the of the car, I
saw the rain splash on the window and I could have swore they were my
tears. After taking a moment to sit there I opened the car door and had to
get out. While the rain beat down on me I walked towards the building door
knowing that something inside of me wasn't in place. It didn't feel like
me anymore. The rain was flowing down into the drain. It would have been
nice to go along with that rain to stay down there. As I thought about
that, my brain wandered into the drain, but my feet kept my body going to
the door. When I got inside I tried to keep things how they were so people
would see me the same as they always do, but I wasn't the same. Everything
was different now. I was unsure that I could get things back to the way
they were. There was nothing I could say or do that would mean much to me.
I might as well have had my front and back replaced with double backs,
because that's what I had done. No matter which way I turned I had turned
my back on the world around me. Whether anyone had noticed that's what I
had done. Turning away wouldn't make anything easier, but it was possible
that I could try to emerge and have a better chance at it later.
I started to dry off inside, but my heart was still wet. I felt wet. I wasn't
sure of anything. What did I have to show off? Did I have any accomplishments?
My lips were dry and cracked, while my mouth was warm and moist inside. I didn't
care to talk much, and when I did talk it would dry out my mouth. There wasn't
much to say now anyway, other than to mention that it was raining outside. But
why say something that anyone else could and probably has observed? The rain had
been there before, and it would come back again. Stating the obvious isn't just
redundant, but petty. Why waste time telling someone something of that nature,
they either already know, or will find out. Either way it doesn't matter much.
Saying something just for the sake of talking doesn't seem right to me anymore.
I can make small conversation like that, but where does that get you.
At the time I felt like being at home. But would being at home really help my
current state? No where except the arms of a loved one would do. Did anyone love
me? If I needed would I have someone to hold me and help me through this? It
certainly didn't feel like it, but surely someone would tell me there would be.
How can I trust them though? I've been told many things before that have been
wrong. Losing trust is something that is easy to lose and very hard to get
back. What I would need to do now is to figure these things out and reassure
myself that my surroundings would once again be better.